my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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