I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
