He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
