I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
