it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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