I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
