Don't make out with my wife yet
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
