You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
