He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Randomize
