that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
