Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
