i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Boobs speak an international language.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
