I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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