It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
