i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
