what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize