How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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