It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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