I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
