I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
