No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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