I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I want to be your penis for a week.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
