I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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