Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
