I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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