If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
