Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
