It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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