Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
