Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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