you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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