Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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