Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
What drink are we having for lunch?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
