was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
