My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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