I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
