my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize