so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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