I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
