upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
