Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
