I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize