Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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