He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
