you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
