theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
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