just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
