just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
