I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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