I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
