the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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