My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
