i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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