Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
