Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
