ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
