hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize