just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
