My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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